Out with the old, In with the new!
by Azlady2003
Summary: Takes place after Edward leaves Bella in New Moon. Bella must learn how to cope without Edward and in the process of coping, she develops some bad habits. Take a look, the summary doesn't do it justice. The authors note will explain more. May be OOC.
1. Stupid Journal

**Disclaimer: **I **do not **and will never own the twilight series or its characters, no matter how badly I want to. Even though I use some quotes from the books, doesn't mean I own it.

**A/N: **This is my first fan fic, and I hope you like it. My story takes place in New Moon after Edward leaves Bella. When I read New Moon, I always thought that Bella didn't rebel enough. I also thought that she didn't really grow that much as a character and she forgave Edward way to easy. So one day I heard this song called, "_Nobody Knows" by Keith Sharp_ and then Bella kept speaking to me telling me to write my version of what I think should of happened. So that is what I am doing. This story will be dark and it will be that way for awhile, till Edward shows up and earns Bella's forgiveness, then light will shine through. Not all chapters will be in a journal style format, there will be dialog at some point in the story. I rated this story** M** because it does have drugs, partying, self cutting, alcohol and sex. So please if you are sensitive do not read. So enough with my authors note, now enjoy the 1st chapter.

* * *

**March 2006**

Dear Journal,

So, I have to write in this stupid thing. The psychologist insisted I write in it to "heal me," like that will ever happen. I wish I could tell her all about why I am so heart broken (that word doesn't even begin to cover what I am). How my boyfriend…I mean ex-boyfriend, was a vampire and how he will always be the love of my life even though he doesn't love me anymore and how he thinks I am just supposed to forget about him and his family just because I am a human, like that will ever happen. How can I forget the one person who ever made life make sense? But I can't tell her he's a vampire or anything because how can I talk about him if I can't even say his name? I know, why see a psychologist if I don't intend to talk to her? That's easy to explain. See, after he left me in September, I sort of "blanked out." I don't remember anything except for my mom showing up to take me home and I yelled "NO!" Then she left. The next thing I know, the fog slowly lifts and I can sort of piece together the days. But that's not why I was forced to see Dr. Dougall; No, Charlie made me see her because he walked in one day when I was, venting my frustrations. See I sort of started using sharp objects to release some of this pain, I couldn't take it anymore. So the next thing I know, I'm using a razor blade on my thighs. It helps, not that anything will ever completely piece me back together again. How can I be complete when the glue that held me left me? I will always remember that day, it haunts every breath I take. I always knew I wasn't good enough for him, but knowing and him confirming are two separate things.

He said those words that I always knew would come sooner or later; I just never truly believed they would. "Bella, I don't want you to come with me." When I repeated what I heard, "You…don't…want me?" he confirmed it with a "No." When I heard that simple one word answer, the bottom to my world fell. I was left with no air, no reason to live, so I did the only thing I knew to do, so that I could survive, I went inside myself. To my happy place and I stayed there till even there they kicked me out and when I looked at the calendar, it was February. I didn't know what to do; it hurt so much. Even with my arms wrapped around me to try to hold myself together. I t used to work, kind of, but now that wasn't working any longer. So when I stumbled upon a razor blade in the bathroom, I sat on the toilet seat lid and cut a nice gash in my thigh. The pain washed over me and drowned out the ache in my heart for awhile. Physical pain, I could handle. It's the emotional that is too much for me. So, I did that every time the ache became too much and my arms no longer worked in holding me together. I did it for weeks, then one day when I was trying to stop the bleeding, Charlie had come home early and walked by the bathroom. I didn't shut the door, thinking he wasn't going to be home for another hour or so. I was wrong. He saw the blood and freaked! He rushed me to the hospital, even though I insisted it was nothing. From there, the doctors saw the other cuts and explained to Charlie that I was a "self cutter" and needed help. So here I am now, writing in this stupid journal as a request to Dr. Dougall. She says she won't read it unless I want her to, but I still have to write in it as a way to deal with my feelings in a different way than cutting. She doesn't know this but I still cut, I am just extra careful when I do. I have no desire of getting that pity look from people that I got when word got out of my latest recreational activities. I will never be whole again, and I refuse to give up the one thing that helps dull a little bit of the pain.

-_Bella_


	2. March 25

**Disclaimer: **I **do not** and will never own any of the twilight series or its characters no matter how badly I want to.

* * *

**March 25th 2006**

Dear Journal,

Okay, so it's been a while since I wrote my "feelings" down, deal with it Dr. Dougall. Right now, I am in my room listening to music. Jacob came by today to talk to me, but to be honest all I heard from him was, "Blah, Blah, Blah." None of my friends are really talking to me, except Angela, but she's always been a true friend. I do not wish what I am going through and how I feel on anyone, not even Lauren or Mike. I understand that they no longer speak to me because I never paid attention in my zombie months, but who can blame me? Did they honestly think I would get over it, like nothing ever happened? What is with him and them thinking that! When I love, I put everything I am and have into it; I don't do things half-ass. I am not going to lie, it hurts still and I wish there was something to take away the pain, and let me escape. I was talking to the doctor today and she asked me of my future. I haven't thought of that since he and I spoke of it. I told her I might make my plan B, my plan A and go to college after all, but to be honest I still wish to crawl into a ball and die. But no, life will never be that kind to me. I know I promised him I would stay safe but he promised to stay with me and never leave me. He didn't stick to that promise. He promised it would be like he never existed, he broke that promise as well. Today, I was cleaning out my closet and ran across the garbage bag that contained my radio. I drove it down to their house. I was so mad, I threw it at their window. I was temporarily glad when I heard the glass break and the radio tumble to the floor in the living room of their house. Don't get me wrong, I know they are not home and will not return for centuries, but when they do, I want him to know how broken he left me. Of course, my happiness started to fade as soon as I realized where I truly was. I was at their house; it looked so empty, like it had been abandoned for years. I broke down in the driveway and cried, I haven't cried since he left me in the forest after telling me he no longer loved me. After what seemed like hours, I finally forced myself to get up and shut up. Crying was not going to make him love me; it wasn't going to bring them back to me. I missed them all, even Rosalie. I can not wait till school's over and then I can just stay in bed all day and wish for death to come. I keep asking myself over and over, why did he save me from James if he didn't love me? Why save me? I guess the only one with the answer would be Jasper, Alice and him. Jasper would know because he feels feelings. Alice would know because she sees the future and he….well he would know because he is the one who saved me. Wow, it still hurts to say the others' names. I do not think there will be a day that it will not hurt. I can not take writing anymore for today, it hurts too much. All I want to do is grab my life saver (the razor) and cut a nice deep gash in my skin where my pantie line will cover it, so no one will know that I still cut. I need to feel that sharp pain, so all the other pain will disappear for a while, while my blood oozes out, like the tears that I refuse to shed.

-_Bella_


	3. Haunted

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the rights to the twilight series.

**A/N**: This chapter is using the song, "Haunted." by Kelly Clarkson. I figured I would tie in a song with some chapters, if it helps the telling of the story. The song lyrics are in bold. Also, I want to thank my awesome beta, Lyxa.

* * *

**Louder, louder, the voices in my head  
Whispers taunting, all the things you said**

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."

"You're not good enough for me, Bella."

**Faster the days go by and I'm still**

**Stuck in this moment of wanting you here**

"Edward!" I kept looking around the woods, searching and hoping that he would show up and tell me that this was all just a joke.

**Time in the blink of an eye**

**You held my hand, you held me tight**

My life flashed in front of my eyes, the scene that played was that of Edward wrapping one arm around my waist while his other hand held my hand. He held me so close to him that we were one and together we danced.

**Now you're gone and I'm still crying  
Shocked, broken, I'm dying inside**

I lay down on the cold damp forest floor wishing for Edward to come back and still love me.

**Where are you? I need you**

**Don't leave me here on my own**

I felt a kiss on my forehead and when I opened my eyes, he was gone, using his speed to get away; to get away from me.

**Speak to me; be near me  
I can't survive unless I know you're with me**

Another part of my past passed by my eyes; Tyler's van was speeding towards me; there was no way I was going to escape in time. Out of nowhere Edward grabbed me and pushed me to the floor, using his body as a shield against Tyler's van.

**Shadows linger only to my eye  
I see you, I feel you, don't leave my side**

I heard my name, it sounded muffled. I tried to respond but I lost my voice. I felt someone near me but my eyes were too heavy to open. I felt safe then.

**It's not fair, just when I found my world**

**They took you, they broke you, and they tore out your heart**

I watched an instant replay in my mind of my birthday party. I started to open my present and the wrapping paper cut me. I started to bleed. All I heard was Edward yelling no and then I was being thrown into the table. The glass plates on the table broke and the pieces cut a long gash in my arm.

My mind changed scenes to the day where my life ended.

"We're leaving." Edward said with a cold voice. As if that didn't break my heart enough, I heard him add the words I have always feared about myself. "You're not good enough for me, Bella."

**I miss you, you hurt me, and you left with a smile**

**Mistaken, your sadness was hiding inside**

**Now all that's left are the pieces to find**

**The mystery you kept, the soul behind a guise**

His face flashed some emotion, but as quick as it came, it left just as fast.

"We vampires are easily distracted." He used these words as an explanation to my question on if he will remember me.

**Where are you? I need you**

**Don't leave me here on my own  
Speak to me, be near me  
I can't survive unless I know you're with me**

Another flash back appeared. James was coming after me and I couldn't seem to escape. He caught me but before he can kill me, Edward came and pulled him off of me.

**Why did you go?  
All these questions run through my mind**

"Edward, did you ever love me at all?" I yelled out into the woods, hoping to get him to come back to me. All I seemed to do was scare the animals in the forest.

**I wish I couldn't feel at all  
Let me be numb, I'm starting to fall**

I wrapped my arms around my chest. I felt the hole, where my heart used to be, ripping open. I couldn't breathe. Pictures of him floated in my mind, and with that came the realization that he left me and no longer loves me.

**Where are you? I need you**

**Don't leave me here on my own  
Speak to me, be near me  
I can't survive unless I know you're with me**

**You were smiling**

I opened my eyes and I saw my angels face, he was wearing my favorite crooked grin. He strolled to me and lifted me up off the forest floor. His lips hovered over mine and I felt his lips move and with them the words I had waited for spill out. "Bella, I love you and I will never leave you."

_*Beep* Beep*Beep*_


	4. What hurts the most

**Disclaimer: **Even though, from time to time I may use the words from the books, I **do not** and will never own any of the twilight series or its characters no matter how badly I want to.

**A/N**: Thanks to my awesome beta, Lyxa, she gave me some great lines in my story to add some spice. Check out her story, www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/4873643/1/The_Scale

Also the words in italics are Bella's thoughts and the words in bold are the lyrics to the songs.

* * *

*Beep*Beep*Beep*

_What the heck is that awful beeping_?

*Beep*Beep*Beep*

_Will someone shut that sound off?_

*Beep*Beep*Beep*

_Edward, please tell it to..._

With that last thought the present came rushing back to me. He wasn't here, and he didn't love me anymore. I sat straight up and I looked around my bedroom, hoping that he was really here and his leaving was all just a nightmare. I found my room empty and I was all alone.

_Great, this is how my life is going to be forever! Damn you, you stupid Volvo driver._

I hated it, even the thought of his car brought tears to my eyes. _**(A/n: Lyxa idea, I love it)**_

_Not again, I am done crying over you, you don't deserve my tears. I am strong I will survive, oh as long as I know how to…great I am singing a stupid song about surviving, what has become of me? But, in my defense it is about outer space, aliens can be real, if Vampires are, why not them? I am so losing my mind._

I slowly got out of bed and I turned on the radio to clear my head. The notes of before your love came filtering through the radio.

**I'd never lived  
Before your love  
I'd never felt  
Before your touch  
And I'd never needed anyone  
To make me feel alive  
But then again,  
I wasn't really living.**

Tears started to gush out of my eyes now, running like a river down my cheeks. Those words made me lose it.

I quickly changed the station, this time a song more fitting to my situation started playing. Rascal Flatts, What hurts the most.

**I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out.**

I kept the tears flowing, thinking back to my dream. In it, he loved me again and never left. There was no need for me to try and mend my broken heart, if that was ever possible in the first place.

**I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though  
Going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay  
But that's not what gets me**

I fell down on my knees and I wrapped my arms around my torso, trying to hold myself together.

_That's it! I'm tried of crying and falling apart!_

I slowly got up from the floor and began searching for the one thing that will hold me together.

**What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away**

I opened my closet door and went straight for the pink jacket that Alice had gotten me on one of her many shopping trips.

**And never knowing  
What could've been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do**

I reached into the pocket and my hand felt that little piece of heaven.

_Finally!_

I pulled out the sharp, cold razor, which has stopped many of my trips down memory lane. This was the one thing that stopped me from falling apart completely.

_Look what you have made me turn into; I'm a self mutilator. That's what I need to do now to stop myself from dying. It would have been nicer if you had just killed me. You might as well have; I'm just an empty shell, left to inflict pain on myself in order to keep from falling apart!_

**It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doing it  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken**

I pulled my arm out of my sleeve so that I could reach my shoulder blade easier.

I positioned the razor and put pressure on the blade. I let it sink into my skin, relishing the feel of that nice sharp pain. I proceed to cut vertical across my skin, leaving a nice long bloody gash in the metal's wake.

**What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
(Much to say)  
And watching you walk away**

_Yes, this is what I need. Just a little more and I will be okay again._

**And never knowing  
What could've been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do, oh  
Oh yeah**

As, the song was coming to an end, I went to the other shoulder blade and made another nice slash on that spot. Blood was dripping down both shoulders now.

I used to get dizzy from the smell of blood, and truthfully I still do, but I have learned to tolerate it now. I went to my night stand and pulled out some gaze and tape. I applied the gaze to both shoulders, and then tightly taped it to stop the bleeding.

As I looked around my room, I decided to change it. Everything reminded me of him and I couldn't stand it anymore. _**(A/n: Lyxa idea, I love it)**_ First, I moved the rocking chair and placed it in the back of my closet, so that I wouldn't have to remember him sitting there. I then started to push the head of the bed towards the window. As soon as the bed was where I wanted it to be, I moved the night stand to one of the sides of the bed.

_There! Now if he comes back he can't come in. He will finally know what he has done to me. _I thought gleefully_. _

_Snap out of it Bella, he doesn't love you, he is never coming back._

I started to feel tears forming again. I pressed the palm of my hand against my eyes to stop them from coming.

I decided that I should take a nice hot shower, before I lost it again. I grabbed my toiletry bag off my computer desk and went to the bathroom.

I turned the water on as hot as it would go. I stepped into the shower and let the hot water sooth my stressed muscles. I grabbed my new Coconut shampoo. Every time I had washed my hair with the old strawberry scent, it reminded me of him. So I decided to change my shampoo and body wash to different scents so I wouldn't break down in every shower I took.

It had been getting so bad that I avoided showers for days at a time; my smell was getting so bad that Charlie even mentioned it.

After I rinsed my shampoo out of my hair, I grabbed my pouf ball and put some vanilla body wash on it. As I lathered up my body, I heard the doorbell ring downstairs. I quickly rinsed off my body and turned off the water and wrapped a towel around my body.

I ran out of the bathroom almost tripping while yelling at the same time, "Hold on, I'm coming!"

I ran into my room and dried off. I threw on my undergarments, then my black shirt that says, Take a picture it will last longer, along with my loose fitting blue jeans.

I turned around and ran out my room, deciding to leave my hair and shoes until after I found out who was at the door. As I reached the bottom step, I tripped and fell flat on my face.

I pulled myself up off the floor and mumbled to myself,"Great Bella, you can't even make it down the stairs."

I silently added in my mind, _No wonder he didn't want you anymore!_

I heard someone laughing on the other side of the door.

_Great they heard._

I felt the blood heating up my cheeks and knew that I would be red as a tomato when I opened the door. I reached the door and yanked it open breathlessly.

As soon as my eyes took in who was standing in front of me, I felt my breath leave my body and my eyes bug out of their sockets, like in the cartoons. Sadly, I shook my head_._

_This is not real, I am still dreaming._


	5. Crap

**Disclaimer: **Even though, from time to time I may use the words from the books, I **do not** and will never own any of the twilight series or its characters no matter how badly I want to.

**A/N: **Sorry it is such a short chapter I didn't know where to stop so I stopped with her heading upstairs. This is just a filler chapter. I will try to update faster before I head on vacation in August, right now I am just fighting a cold that is kicking my brain and energy level. Another thing this chapter would have majorly sucked if my awesome beta **Lyxa** didn't help to clean it up and add some fantastic advice and changes. Thanks Lxya.

* * *

_This is not real, I am still dreaming. Or nightmare is more like it._

"Jake! What are you doing here?" I noticed that my breathing was still labored from the surprise of seeing Jacob outside my door holding some hand picked daisies.

"Bells, remember we talked about this two weeks ago."

I could see a hint of amusement in Jacobs's eyes, just twinkling as he spoke to me.

"Um," I racked my brain, trying to recall what he had told me two weeks ago. I did remember him coming over but all I had heard was "blah, blah, blah".

_Crap, did I agree to something? _I thought, frustrated.

"You were so sad and I suggested we go to La Push for some cliff diving. You did say you want to try something different, something that bloodsucker**," **he spat nastily,** "**would never let you do."

The expression on Jacob's face reminded me of the ones that competitors at Fear Factor wore whenever they had to eat some disgusting insect. I snickered as I imagined Jacob stuffing a large spider into his mouth.

"Jake, since when do you say 'bloodsucker'? You sound like Sam's gang that's getting the La Push kids involved."

As soon as those words left my mouth, Jacob started shaking like he was in the beginning stages of a seizure. Instinctively I took a step backwards, not sure what was happening.

"I...have…to…go!" With each word panted, he took a step back towards the door. With the last word, he dropped the daises, turned around and took off running towards the woods.

_Wow! That was strange, what did I do wrong?_

I picked up the poor daises that were squashed from Jacobs' trembling hands. I walked towards the kitchen and threw the daises in the trash, while looking out the window. In the woods I saw a flash of something fiery red.

_What was that?_

I kept staring out the window hoping the answer would be reveled if I channeled enough staring power.

I don't know how long I stood there, hoping for the explanation that never came. Eventually I was pulled from my thinking by the sound of Charlie's cruiser pulling into the drive way.

_Crap, I better start on dinner, Charlie will be hungry. I can't believe a whole day slipped by without me realizing it._

I quickly went to the freezer and got out some of the fish that Charlie caught on one of his many fishing trips. This was something quick and easy to make for dinner. I grabbed a frying pan, put in a scoop of butter and set the stove to medium heat. I let the butter melt before adding the fish then the necessary spices. Just as I flipped over the fish to let the other side cook, I heard the front door open up.

"Bells?"

"In here dad," I saw him enter the kitchen with a perplexed look on his face.

"Smells good, Bells. Why is Jacob's car outside?"

"He came to visit but had something to do I guess. He took off running into the woods," I didn't know what to tell Charlie, because frankly _I_ didn't know what happened.

Charlie frowned at this news. "That _is_ strange; I'll have to call Billy in the morning."

I turned off the stove, put the fish on a plate and handed it to Charlie effectively ending the conversation.

"I think I'm going to bed, good night Dad."

"Night Bells," I slowly walked up the stairs towards the bathroom so I could get ready for the night.


	6. Secert Revealed

**Disclaimer: **Even though, from time to time I may use the words from the books, I **do not** and will never own any of the twilight series or its characters no matter how badly I want to.

**A/N:** This is a semi important chapter, I wanted to stick to the part of New Moon of when Bella finds out about Jacob (Just differently). Just in case everyone was wondering, NO Bella and Jacob will not be a pair other than in friendship. Sorry, I just love them as best friends. Also as always this chapter is possible because of my awesome beta, Lyxa, everyone should check out her story _The Scale_.

* * *

**April 8****th**** 2006**

_**Dear Journal,**_

_**The strangest thing happen today; Jacob came over and said we were going cliff diving. That in of itself wasn't too weird yet, but then he said 'BLOODSUCKER'. He looked like it left an awful taste in his mouth. I know I should have played dumb and go "Bloodsucker? You mean like a mosquito? Why are you calling Edward a mosquito?" But I was too shocked to think, I have never heard Jacob talk like that. Yet, when I did say as much he started shaking and ran out towards the words, I have no clue what that is about but I am --------**_

"JAKE!!!!! What the hell are you doing in my window? And get your nasty feet off my bed!" I was caught off guard for a second when my window opened, effectively ending my journal entry. Jacob appeared before I could scream, putting his bare feet on my bed. _Wonder what that is about anyways?_

"Bella, keep it down or you'll wake Charlie. Who puts their bed by the window anyhow? Do you know how dangerous this could be? How easy it will be to get snatched?" He said the last part with a bit of anger in his voice.

"I needed a change. What are _you_ doing here anyway?" _I am so going to invest in a lock for this window, or better yet bars, like we had back in Phoenix._

"I needed to talk to you about earlier." His voice had an uncertain ring to it, like he wasn't sure if he wanted to really talk about it just yet. As soon as I gestured for him to continue, he did so. "So, remember the old legend I told you last summer, to scare you?"

"Yes, about vampires. Ha, like they exist." I rolled my eyes to add to my act that I didn't believe the story he had told me.

"Bella, don't play dumb with me. I know you know the Cullen's are vampires. The whole legend is true which is why I left today."

I started to think back to that day on the beach and remembered the story. Maybe that would clue me into the odd behaving Jacob. I went over word for word, until… Everything suddenly clicked and I whispered just one word. "Werewolves"

"Yes, and that's why I am here tonight. I wouldn't have come if this wasn't very important. Bella, I left because I was about to change into a werewolf because I smelt a vampire near."

_My family is back. _He's_ back! _I couldn't contain the smile that lit my face and the happy tears that were forming in my eyes; I thought I was over him, but this news changed everything.

Would they still want me? And more importantly would _he_ still want me?

Jacob must have noticed the smile on my lips because he quickly added, "But it's none of the Cullen's. I've smelt this one before. She's been hunting near our lands for the past couple of weeks."

This defiantly threw me back into a sudden hole. I didn't realize how fast I got my hopes up, but this change of events defiantly showed me. The tears of joy I once had now turned into tears of sadness and my smile fell. I felt as if my world crashed all over again, just not as bad.

"Bella, it'll be okay, shhhh," Jacob held me tight to his chest and I realized how warm he was, like he was running a fever.

"Jake, you're so hot."

I pulled back slightly to look at his face, but he didn't look flushed.

"Thank you, Bella. It's about time you noticed a real man."

I could clearly see the humor in his eyes.

"Shut up, Jake, you know what I meant."

He frowned a little at this, but he did answer my unasked question.

"It's part of the transformation. We run a little warmer than normal. We also heal faster and we can rip vampires apart."

I knew these changes sadden him a little so I just gave him a huge hug to let him know that even with these changes I would always be his friend.

Slowly, the reason why Jacob was here came back to me. Another vampire was here, but one that hunted humans.

"What does she look like?" I said this in such a low voice I wasn't sure he heard me.

"She has fire red hair, red eyes and she looks crazy." He must have noticed the shocked look on my face because he was starting to show panic "Bella, do you know her? You have to tell us so we know why she's here and not leaving!"

"Yes, I know her," I answered quietly. "But how did you even hear me before when I asked what she looked like? I was barely even whispering. Anyway, I believe her name is Victoria. The Cullen's killed her mate, James, last year when I was in Phoenix running from him. What does she want?"

He gave a light chuckle, "Leave it to you to not worry about a crazy bloodsucker, but worry about how I heard you. It's another talent I have. I have extraordinary hearing." His face then turned somber, "Listen Bella, I don't want to scare you, but I think she's after you. She was near the house it was why I ran in to the woods; I wanted her away from you."

_Great, I am going to die alone. Well I suppose it doesn't even matter. I'd rather die than live without him anyway. _

I started to cry. I could no longer contain the loneliness I felt, not as long as Jacob was here. "Shhh, it'll be okay Bells. I won't let her get you, and neither will the pack." His words only made me cry harder.

_No wonder why he left. I'm weak and can't even protect myself._

A howl pierced the silent night air, "I have to go, the pack is calling. We'll be watching out for you, Bella, you aren't alone." He started to leave through the window but he poked his head back in "Oh and I'm coming first thing in the morning to move your bed, she can very easily get to you with you so close to the window. If it was on the other side of this room, she'll have to come through your window, and that'll give us time to get here to save you." I blanched at his logic.

"Like she will be here to kidnap me, try to drain me dry, the most you could do ---" _I hated being cut off; Jessica did it all the time._

"Please Bella you are my best friend, don't think like that" With those last words he was gone.

_Stupid werewolf._


	7. April 24

**Disclaimer: **Even though, from time to time I may use the words from the books, I **do not** and will never own any of the twilight series or its characters no matter how badly I want to.

**A/N:** As always thanks to my readers and my awesome beta, Lyxa. Right now this is just updates and lets you know where sane Bella is, the story doesn't happen until college which should be in a couple chapters, but these chapter are needed so you can see glimpses of information on where this story is headed and you can compare the Bella's. Enjoy!

* * *

**April 24****th**** 2006**

Dear Journal,

So, these last couple of weeks have went by so fast. Jacob says his pack hasn't smelt Victoria since that day he told me, but they're not going to lessen their patrols near my house, just to be safe.

I feel so lucky to have friends like Jacob and the gang; they are not at all like I imagined them. Sure, they call me the "ex-leech lover" but it's always said with acceptance and love in their voices. Granted, they do say that I have _finally_ chosen wisely by hanging out with them, but to be honest if the Cullens did come back I would give them each a hug…

Okay, so maybe I would just glare at _him_, but the rest aren't to blame, are they? Yes, they shouldn't have let his drama king fit get them to move away. They should have told him to shove it up his ass and that _he_ should leave if he wasn't happy. I suppose I can't blame them, though. Esme couldn't live without any of her children. I used to think I was considered one of them, but if she could leave me, then I must have not meant that much.

On the other hand, I was only in her life for a couple of months; he was part of her family for nearly a century, so of course he had more pull with her heart. I still don't understand why Alice didn't say goodbye, she was my best friend. I think I deserved that much…

This writing in the journal sure is helping (yeah right, all it is making me do is want to cut, but I promised Jacob that I would call him before I did that, so he could come over and get me out of my funk. Jacob is a great friend) Oh, I finally went cliff diving. It was actually fun. Jacob was holding my hand the whole time, just so I wouldn't drown. It sucks to be the weak one all the time.

He also showed me how to ride a motorcycle. He fixed one up for himself and said cool guys ride motorcycles not Volvos. Leave it to Jacob to be competing with a ghost, because frankly that is what _he_ is now. I won't tell Jacob this, but Volvos will always be close to my heart. I do like the danger aspect the motorcycles bring though, and I must say I have only crashed 8 times and had 28 stitches since learning to ride. World Record.

-_Bella_

**PS: **I just got my acceptance letter to Dartmouth and the financial aid I applied for. So it looks like all the other schools could count me out. I am happy to be able to get away from Forks and the memories. Start over, make new ones.


	8. Farwell

**Disclaimer: **Even though, from time to time I may use the words from the books, I **do not** and will never own any of the twilight series or its characters no matter how badly I want to.

**A/N: **Thanks to my awesome beta **Lyxa** and also sorry this is so short I just need to let everyone know that Bella is happy and about ready to move on with her life (but we know that is not always as simple as it seems). This is a filler chapter but somewhat important, you will see why later.

* * *

***5 weeks later***

_Crap, what does one wear to a going away dinner anyhow!_

"Bella, you almost ready to go? It's a two hour drive to Seattle; we wouldn't want to be late to your own party."

That one word could cause me to faint, but I kept the memories at bay. I wouldn't freeze up as tonight was my last night in Forks. Tomorrow I will be on a plane to New Hampshire to start my new life. All my stuff, besides my clothes, have been packaged and shipped to my new home, so all that was left to do was pack my clothes.

"Just finding something to wear, Dad, I'll be right down."

I found myself a pair of black bootleg jeans and a black and white skull tee-shirt. As soon as I was dressed, I threw on my ankle boots and pulled my hair up in a clip. A couple weeks ago I went clothes shopping; I decided I needed a new wardrobe for my new college life. I also, got my hair trimmed to my shoulders. I took one glance in the mirror and decided I looked good enough and bolted for the stairs. _Take your time, Bella you don't need to fall and go to college in a body cast._

"Ready?"

"Yes, let me just grab my purse. Can we take my truck? I just want one last night with her before I have to say goodbye."

How I will miss my slow rusty truck, she was a good vehicle for the most part. Plus _she_ has never left me.

"Sure, but we have to leave now if we are going to make it."

Charlie knew how slow my truck went. Him letting us take it showed how sad he was that I was leaving. Don't get me wrong, Charlie was happy that I was going to college and that he didn't have to pay for it, but sad that we just started to bond and I was already leaving. He promised he would come up to visit, so it didn't bother me too much, because I knew I would see him again.

It took us 4 hours to get to Dimitriou's Jazz Alley Restaurant, and we were only 30 minutes behind schedule, which had to be a miracle considering we were driving my truck. Everybody was here, and waiting outside for us, I could feel my cheeks begin to heat up. _This is going to be a long night._

"Bella, don't be embarrassed, it is nice to be the center of attention every once in awhile." Jacob tousled my hair. Since when did I become like a kid sister?

"I did nothing special to deserve all this attention Jake. We should be celebrating you finally imprinting." Jacob gave me a look that said, 'don't you dare reflect and make this about Sinthea and I.'

"Don't be silly. We're celebrating that you got into a top notch college. Of course you deserve it."

I let it go, for now, I knew there was no way around this by the look on everyone's faces.

"Shall we go then, get my execution over with now?"

Everyone laughed, thinking I was joking. The doors opened and the smell of mouthwatering food assaulted my senses. I knew if I could smell it then the pack defiantly smelled it. I looked around and sure enough, I saw the pack drooling like kids in a candy store. Charlie gave the hostess his name and she looked up our reservation. We were then quickly escorted to the back of the building where tables were pulled together and 20 chairs were situated.

"Hi, my name is Riley and I'll be your server tonight, what can I get everyone to drink?"

Everyone spoke at once and seeing as the pack heard everything. Leah took pity on him and spoke up, and repeated what everyone wanted, but there was a hint of longing mixed in her words. _I'll have to ask Jake about that later._

Riley came back with the drinks and out of the corner of my eye, I could see Leah staring at him. "Do you guys need another minute or would you like me to take your order now?"

Charlie ordered four Pane appetizers to start us out. When it came, it was an Artesian Focaccia Bread served warm with roasted garlic in extra virgin olive oil. Let's just say that didn't last long.

After that was done, I went ahead and ordered myself the House Penne. As everyone else ordered their meals, I listened to the band that was on the stage. They were playing light jazz music and before I noticed our food had arrived. My penne pasta was tossed in a light olive oil and tomato sauce topped with marinated fresh mozzarella and with freshly grated Parmesan. It was a very healthy size and I knew I wouldn't be able to finish. Once I was full, I looked over to notice the pack eyeing my food. They couldn't still be hungry. "Here you guys fight it out for it." I pushed my plate over to them and before long it was all gone, with Charlie just staring at them with his mouth agape. Poor Charlie.

Charlie and I said our goodbyes and we got in the truck to head home, with the rest of the group following us home in their vehicles.


	9. Wheeler Hall

**Disclaimer: **Even though, from time to time I may use the words from the books, I **do not** and will never own any of the twilight series or its characters no matter how badly I want to.

**A/n:** Thank you to everyone who has read my story. This chapter is a filler, its just setting up some stuff. I did the research and made sure the flight time and drive was correct along with the dorm hall name and set up. If you want to see the dorm house and floor plan you can do so at: www(dot)dartmouth (dot) edu/~orl/housing/communities/fay-rws-whee (dot) html - there is also a map of the campus on the Dartmouth website.

Thanks to my awesome beta,** Lyxa**, for the super fastness and for the wonderful additions and corrections.

* * *

**7:15am**

"Bella! You almost ready? We have to leave soon if we're going to make it to the airport on time."

"Dad, Jake I will be there in a few," I called back.

I looked around my room, taking one last look at my old life, so I can finally close this chapter on my life. I softly whispered, "Goodbye Forks."

I had booked an early flight, due to Jacob's reasoning that the sun would be out for a couple of hours which would prevent Victoria from following me. We weren't quite sure if Victoria was still watching me, as the Pack only patrolled La Push and Forks, but to my great relief, they hadn't caught her scent in those areas.

I got to the top of the stairs with my suitcase but before I could make it to the second step, Jacob was right beside me.

"Here, I've got it; I don't want you to try to take this down and end up in the hospital."

With that he gave me a sly smile, no doubt remembering the many times I have fallen while learning to ride the motorcycle.

Jacob and Charlie got the car packed up with my suitcase and before we knew it we were off to Port Angeles. "Jake? Will you, please, tell Sinthea that I said goodbye and to make sure she keeps you in line?"

"Ha-ha. Yes I will pass on your message; she's going to miss you Bells, you were like a sister to her, and always will be. Don't you forget that!"

With those words I felt a couple tears slide down my cheek. Oh, how I missed, Alice, my little pixie best friend and sister, and now here I was saying goodbye to another, but this time all by my own choice. I silently vowed that I would not let go of my new sister so easily. That I will indeed see Sinthea again, if not before hers and Jacob's wedding, then defiantly on the day of.

When we pulled up to the airport, Charlie and Jacob escorted me to the security line. I already had my tickets printed out from online. I knew this was going to be the hardest part, but I promised myself that I would not cry. I would be strong for them.

"Come here Bella, give me one last hug." With that Jacob yanked me into one of his big strong hugs. "Remember you can always call me if you ever need anything, and you better not be a stranger. You hear me?"

"I promise I will stay your best friend and always bug you even while I'm across the country. Now put me down before I pass out from lack of air."

I knew I had a huge smile on my face as I swatted his arm to indicate for him to release me. I was grateful that Jacob didn't make me cry; that he read that from my emotions, things like this reminded me of old times. I just hoped it would be that way with Charlie too; nice and simple.

I turned towards Charlie and could already see his eyes already brimming with tears ready to spill out. _Don't cry Bella; be strong for the both of you._

Before I could say anything Charlie pulled me into a bone crushing hug, but nowhere near as suffocating as Emmett's or Jacobs. "I'll miss you kid. Don't forget to call me every once in awhile, let your old man know you're okay."

This was my breaking point. I no longer held back and let my tears flow freely, like a dam being set free.

"I will dad, and I will visit. I promise, and you can always visit me too. Please let Sue cook for you from time to time and eat some vegetables. I don't want to lose you. I just wouldn't know what to do if I lost you too."

I was worried about Charlie becoming like Harry Clearwater and having a heart attack, but I knew that it was caused by his children becoming werewolf, _not_ because of lack of exercise, but I was still scared of losing Charlie.

"I will Bells." With that he gave me one last hug wiped his eyes and turned around and left me to go through security and towards my new life.

The flight took 10 hrs and 30 minutes from Washington to New Hampshire, which included the three plane changes I had to do in Settle, Detroit and Boston. When it finally touched down, I realized it was like leaving one forest and entering another. The only difference was that this forest didn't have a history; this one was a blank page begging to be written on. I took my suitcase and went outside to grab one of the cabs that were there.

I grabbed cab number 89, and told the driver that I wanted to go to Dartmouth College in Hanover.

The drive tookonly 15 minutes. When I arrived I went into the admissions building to check in and find out what room I was staying in. I was two months early, but I made arrangements to come during this time so that I could set up my dorm room. I was greeted by a friendly black short haired, nice looking male, who appeared to be 23 with tattoo sleeves. '

"Hello, my name is Jerry, how may I help you?"

"I'm Isabella Swan, but please call me Bella. I'm here to check into my dorm, and I made prior arrangements."

He gave me a sly smile, "Ah we have been expecting you Bella, here is your dorm key and a map. You're staying at the Wheeler Hall, room 320. Your roommate won't be in 'till the beginning of the semester."

He handed me my key and map, which had my dorm building highlighted. I mumbled a thank you and turned to leave.

"Bella?"

"Umm yes?" _Did I forget to give him anything?_

"I do not mean to be forward or anything, but I can't help but wonder; do you have a boyfriend?"

_Why did he have to ask that question? The whole point of coming here was to forget about that part of my past._

"No, I no longer do." I answered him quickly, trying to convey that I did not wish to speak of it and I just wanted to leave.

Of course he had different ideas. "Good, one man's loss is another man's gain. I was wondering if you would like to go out sometime? I could show you around the campus and where all the nice parties are."

_It would be nice to know my way around campus; this school is so big, bigger than ASU back in Phoenix. I would also like to make a new friend. _"Umm I would love a tour. You know where my room is, and you can always come by at a reasonable hour whenever you would like to show me around."

I didn't know where this boldness was coming from; maybe it was that I so desperately needed a tour guide.

"I'm off tomorrow, so I'll pick you up around 7pm, if that is alright?"

_Why so late?_ But I decided to be grateful and take him up on the only time he had available, after all he was doing a favor for me.

"Sure."

I left so that I could start to set up my new home. I just hoped that my boxes had already made it here.

The walk from the admissions- which was located in the McNutt building- to my dorm took 15 minutes. I was thankful that my dorm was directly across the street from the library; it would make studying easier. I quickly read the front door and found out that after 9pm the front doors will be locked. After that time I needed to buzz the front desk so that you can be let in. I walked through the front door and found the stairs directly straight ahead.

I reached the third floor and I took the door on my left which stated my room should be on this side of the hall. My room was the first door on the right. I unlocked the door and -to my relief- found out that my stuff had arrived. The room was a nice size, defiantly bigger than my room back at Forks. But heck, even a shoe box was bigger than that room.

In the room there were two doors on the left and one door on the right by the window. I looked in the first door on the left which appeared to be a closet and across from the door it was a built in study desk. It had two chairs and in the middle, to separate the desks, was a small refrigerator. I opened the last door on the left, and was shocked to see a toilet and a sink, which meant that there were community showers in this hall, which was not a good thing.

_Great, how am I going to hide my scars?_

The door on the right turned out to be another closet. The room had two twin beds; one was against the window and the other against the left side of the wall. I decided to pick the bed furthest away from the window; that way when I would be up studying late at night, the light on the study desk wouldn't keep my roommate awake.

The unpacking of my stuff took an hour, it was late and I was still suffering from the effects of jet lag, so, I decided to save the exploring of the hall for tomorrow along with my shower and opted for bed instead.


	10. May 31

**Disclaimer: **Even though, from time to time I may use the words from the books, I **do not** and will never own any of the twilight series or its characters no matter how badly I want to.

**A/N:** Sooooo sorry for the update, I have been extremely busy with two jobs and going to school, College classes have been brutal lately. Thanks to anyone still reading my story. This chapter is just a filler, lets people know what was up with Leah two chapters ago. Also lets you into what Bella is thinking about this new chapter in her life. I am working on chapter 11 as we speak. Like I've said we will see a different more wilder Bella, before we see her calm down into a strong person that we know she is. Bella has a lot of pent up anger, shes mad but she feels bad for being mad. How can you blame someone for not loving you anymore? But at the same time your still hurt. Anyhow Enjoy.

* * *

**May 31st 2006**

Dear Journal,

So I finished unpacking today, and for the 1st time in a long time I am hopeful. I'm hopeful that I will be able to at least move on to some resemblance of a life. Now I'm not saying I am going to be moving on and forgetting about him completely. But, I do hope that I can forget enough to go out and have fun, when Jerry comes over to show me around campus, I am going to ask him where people go to have fun. I am 18, I should be having fun! Right?

I called Jake today, told him how my room is. I couldn't ask him the question that was bugging me while Charlie was around those last couple days, so I was thankful he was home when I called today. I asked Jake about Leah and why she was all nice at the restaurant. Turns out Leah imprinted on our waiter. I guess Sam was happy about that. Now he doesn't have to feel bad about breaking her heart by imprinting on Emily.

Jake says that the pack caught a whiff of Victoria, and that the plan to leave when it was sunny out, worked and she doesn't know where I went. At a time like this and it would have came in handy to have him here, so that he can tell us what was going through her head and if she really didn't know where I'm at. Again, I am not going to allow my past control the new life I will be making for myself.

The community girls shower room is not so bad; they have individual stalls for toilets and showers. So, it's a relief to know my scars will stay hidden.

Well, I am going to get ready for my tour. would be proud.

_-Bella_


	11. Frat Party

**Disclaimer: **Even though, from time to time I may use the words from the books, I **do not** and will never own any of the twilight series or its characters no matter how badly I want to.

**A/N:** As always a special thanks to my awesome beta, Lyxa, and for those of you who don't know, she just finished her story, _The Scale_. Congrats Lyxa!

Also sorry for the short chapter, so far Bellas life is simple and "normal" but once that changes, Bella should be talking more to me and having more to say.

* * *

**8:15 pm**

"Promiscuous boy, you already know that I'm all yours. What you waiting for," I sung at the top of my lungs while waving a drink around and shaking my head.

I heard a chuckle near me and it all came rushing back to me. Jerry came over and somehow the tour landed us at a "buddies" Frat party. I was on my third or forth drink at the moment, I didn't quite remember.

"Jeeerrrrrrrrrrrrry!" I went to hug him but somehow I ended up smacking him in his face. "Oops, heehee."

"Owe, Bella maybe you've had enough to drink." With that grabbed my drink and finished it off.

When I went to yell at him for taking my drink, I notice a girl upside down and her legs being held by two men and she had this tube in her mouth, while others were around her shouting chug.

"Wats dat?" I asked while pointing, knowing my English wasn't making much sense.

"Oh, ummm, well that's called a keg stand. You see how long you can drink for while being upside down."

I had told Jerry when we first got here how this was my first party.

"I try?"

"I think you've had enough to drink." At this I shook my head and stumbled my way to the crowd. _I can't believe I am going to the crowd, that attention. I must be drunk._

"Woo, look it's your first time, maybe you should take it slow, if you don't you will be worshiping the porcelain goddess." Hearing this made my, lately short, temper snap.

"Look, you not me man! Me tired of told to stop and think. Tired of being told I will hurt meself." _Stupid old vampire, always telling me to be careful, I will do this. _

I finally made it to the group and calmly screeched "Me Next."

**1:30 am**

"Are you okay in there Bella?"

"Blah" For the last half an hour I've had my head in the toilet. I may be miserable, but I was proud I lasted 2 minutes doing the keg stand. The rest of the night was a blur but I do remember seeing someone streak. It would have been me joining them but Jerry was proving to be a good friend, and stopped me.

I heard the door open and in came my newly found friend.

"I have to go to work in the morning, so I am going to get going, if that's okay with you?" I gave a small nod, but even that made me nauseas.

"Okay, well here is some water and two aspirins take them before I leave." I sat up enough to grab and take the pills. Then I gulp the water down.

"Listen, Bella try to drink more water, stay hydrated. I will call you tomorrow." With that he was gone.

After he was gone I remember lying down on the floor and falling asleep.


	12. Murphy's

**Disclaimer: **Even though, from time to time I may use the words from the books, I **do not** and will never own any of the twilight series or its characters no matter how badly I want to.

**A/n: **As always thanks to my awesome Beta, Lyxa, for catching all my mistakes especially since I keep messing up past and present tense. Also, the restaurant is really real, and so are the names of the owners and where they grew up at. The site to that restaurant is: www(dot)murphysonthegreen(dot)com. Anyhow, enjoy this chapter its the longest one yet.

* * *

***Knock* Knock* Knock***

"I'm coming don't get your panties in a bunch." I applied some last minute lip gloss and headed to open the door for my insistent boyfriend. I know, I couldn't believe I had moved on enough to become someone's girlfriend either, but I was and he's great for the new Bella.

"Panties in a bunch, really Bella, I guess its time you should know I go commando. So, no need to worry about my panties." He was smirking since the minute I opened the door. I blushed at his statement while lightly smacking him on the arm.

"So where are you taking me on our one month anniversary, even though I have insisted that it doesn't make sense to celebrate an anniversary when it hasn't even been a year?"

Men and their logic, but who was I to complain that my boyfriend wanted to celebrate us. I figured this time, in my second relationship, that I would be more flexible. Maybe that was the reason he stopped loving me.

Jerry and I spent a lot of time together. He showed me around campus, taking me to parties to meet new people. I still cut, but Jerry had shown me other ways to "forget" about my broken heart. The first time he handed me a blunt I didn't know what to do, I was raised to believe drugs were bad, after all Charlie is a cop. But I took in a deep drag of the smoke. Afterwards I was so relaxed and hungry, and I loved the feel of not worrying or thinking. So now I always had a stash of weed in my drawer.

"Well I was thinking I would take you to my family's diner. It's not much, probably not what you are used to be, but I still want you to see it." _Used to?_ Since we met he always got ashamed whenever money or material things were discussed.

"Babe, what do you mean used to? I grew up in Phoenix, and what my mom called fancy was the local Denny's. In Forks we had one restaurant and we only went there when I was too lazy to cook and didn't want pizza." I took in a deep breath. "Look when you asked me to be your girlfriend on the 23rd of June, I was trilled, so let's just concentrate on celebrating that. Okay?" I looked up at him through my eyelashes; I knew he loved it when I did that.

He sighed and then said, "Okay."

He then grabbed my hand and walked me to his mustang GT convertible. The only reason I knew what type of car it was, was because he bragged about it being his dream car. He listed engine size and all that mumble jumble stuff that Jake used to talk about in his garage when we were fixing up the bikes.

Just thinking about my bike, made me excited that my bike was being delivered in August; just a week away. Jake was a sweetheart for shipping it to me behind Charlie's back. I figured that since I didn't need the money I had saved by working at Newton's because I got a full ride scholarship, that I could afford it. I asked him to add the decal of a heart with a dagger through it on the black paint job he did. I saw one at Wal-Mart when I was in Port Angeles and immediately bought it. I was slowly brought out of my memories of being in Jakes garage, whenever I thought of Jake it always brought a smile to my face.

"What are smiling about?"

"Getting my bike in a week." I figured I would go with part of the truth.

"We are here." I looked around the parking lot and realized it was full, indicating that the food must be good.

"Bella, I want you to know that you don't have to worry about me being with you only because of the life you grew up with. Don't think I am with you because of the money, money doesn't matter to me." _Money? What the heck._ With that last comment he was out the door and coming around my side. I noticed we were in front of a restaurant called Murphy's. He opened the door for me and offered his hand. I took it, but the whole time I was in a haze trying to figure out what he was talking about.

************

"Hello, Mr. Leeming, your mother told me you would be coming by with a young lady. Follow me this way, a table has been reserved."

We walked in further and it looked like a library with tables in the middle and a bar in the corner of the room. It had a very casual lets eat and study vibe to it. "It's been voted the most popular in the upper valley since 1996." I looked over and I could see that Jerry was proud of his families' restaurant.

"It looks …wow, Jerry, it's beautiful in here." I then wrapped my arms around his waist, and reached up to his ear and whispered, "I am so glad you shared this with me. This is the best one month – anniversary present ever." I then placed a chaste kiss to his lips.

We were seated at a corner table with a white table cloth and silverware rolled up in a red napkin. "Do you really like it?" I could see the apprehension on his face, and that made me burst out in a fits of giggles, which only made his face grow more worried.

"Yes, but why are you so scared? It's like you think I am going to throw a hissy fit over you taking me here. It's nice in here, I feel at home with all these books." I grabbed his hand that was on the table and gave it a slight squeeze.

"It was decorated and named Webster web, after Daniel Webster, see those pews over there those are the original ones, from 1898, that were in Webster Hall. My father loves Dartmouth, which is why I go there now." I saw him look up and then wave someone over, I looked back to find this lovely woman walking towards us.

"Trevor, I am so glad to see you. Ever since you got that summer job in the administration building I hardly ever see you." _Trevor?_ Jerry stood and gave a kiss on each cheek.

"Mom, this is Bella. Bella this is my mother Elizabeth." I gasped. It seemed like I could never get away completely, something always comes up that reminded me of him. I quickly recover and reached out to offer a handshake but instead she pulled me into a hug.

"Please call me Liz, and it's so nice to finally meet the girl, my son can't stop talking about." She turned around and motioned for an older male to come over. When he did I noticed he resembled Jerry… or should I say Trevor, _I am so confused_.

"Nigel, this is Trevor's young lady, Bella."

"Hi Bella, it's nice to meet you, I hate to be so rude but I must get going, I do hope you enjoy your food." With that he was gone. I glanced at Jerry to make sure I some how didn't upset his father. Jerry just shook his head and then gave a pointed look to his mother.

"Oh, dear I do apologize; I didn't realize you two haven't eaten yet. I will get back to doing the paper work in back, and let you two enjoy your date. Bella, it was really nice to meet you, please come back to visit." After she left Jerry and I sat back in our seats and looked over the menu.

"Jerry, why did she call you Trevor?"

"Trevor's my first name, but I go by my middle name. My mom just can't seem to let that go. See my father was born in England but raised in New Zealand and its there that he met his best friend and fellow rugby player. I am named after said best friend." With my confused expression he continued, "Trevor was an adventure junkie, and so was my dad, while on a climb to a mountains peek, Trevor slipped and his hook came out. Any good climber knows that you have moments to get a grip back to the mountain, if you don't then you put stress on the remaining hook and therefore put all other climbers at risk." _Huh? _"I know this makes no sense to you, so I will sum it up. In order to not kill my dad and him, he cut the rope and died instead. My father had to sit there and watch his best friend cut the rope, so that he could live. So I was named in honor of that. By me not going by my first name, my mother thinks I am spitting in his face." He shrugs but I could see in his eyes that this bothered him. I gently reached over and held his hand.

"You have a right to live your own life to; you are honoring Trevor by living. He would have loved that I am sure." Jerry looked up at me with eyes so bright you would have thought I gave him a million dollars.

"Bella, you don't know how much those words mean to me." He leaned over and gave me the most passionate kiss that we have ever had. One that left me breathless, yet it still felt wrong somehow.

The waiter came and we both ordered a coke to drink and Murphy's Legendary Buffalo wings to share. After we were done eating we left and went back to his place, which was an on campus apartment and decorated into a typical bachelor pad. I knew once we got there we had to have a talk about this money he kept talking about.

Once we were inside I just pulled off the Band-Aid, and drove right into it. "What money do you keep talking about, I don't have money."

Jerry took in a deep breath, "Bella, you don't have to lie to me, I work in the administration office, and you LIVE at Wheeler hall."

"What does where they put me to stay have to do with this whole money issue you think I am lying about? Jerry I am here on some scholarship that Dartmouth gave me."

Jerry sighed and sat down on the couch and patted the seat next to him. I could tell this was going to be a long conversation, because frankly this man couldn't understand scholarship, so I sat down next to him.

He turned towards me, his eyes sad. "I understand that you probably don't trust me yet, you are most likely used to people using you for money. But, Bella why can't you see I am not like that, I just want you to be honest with me."

This was getting on my nerves. "I am being honest you Dumbo. Look when I got accepted it said that my four years of college and living expenses were already paid for. So, if it wasn't a scholarship then who was it? It sure wasn't my dad and Phil doesn't make enough in baseball to pay for it. So see I am on a full ride scholarship."

"Bella, only the rich kids stay at wheeler hall. Scholarship kids don't, and remember I gave you that card for things to purchase on campus?" I nodded my head not seeing where he was going with that. "That has enough money on there to pay for another 4 years of college and dorm room living. Scholarships don't give that type of spending money." _Uh? That makes sense, but where did that money come from?_

"Bella, so see you don't have to lie, you come from a rich family."

"No I don't!" _But I know who does, that stinking, lying, Volvo driving vampire is who does. If I knew where he was I would channel my inner Buffy and drive a stake through his still heart._ I had to laugh at that, like a stake would even pierce his skin.

"Look Jerry, I need your help. I know this doesn't make sense but, is there a way to give back that money?"

"No, but whatever is not used after the year will automatically go back to the sender."

"Then I guess I won't use it, huh!" At this he looked a mix of shock and confused. I just gave him a shrug, and decided he didn't need to know about my past, yet.


	13. August 11

**Disclaimer: **Even though, from time to time I may use the words from the books, I **do not** and will never own any of the twilight series or its characters no matter how badly I want to.

**A/n:** Sorry about the shortness, just wanted to get something out there, I am still writing next chapter, but since I just got dumped I am not much in a writing mood, hopefully its up by next week. Also as always thanks to my awesome beta, Lyxa.

* * *

**August 11th 2006**

Dear Journal,

I figured that since I haven't really written in you, that I might as well keep you updated. I got my bike delivered last week; I also got a job as assistant chef at Jerry's families' restaurant. I told Jerry about my ex and how he was the one who must have set up all that money, and he only did it because he feels guilty for not returning my love. That's when Jerry understood my need to give that money back, so he spoke with his parents and got me a job where I wouldn't need coordination on my side.

Students have been showing up all this week, my roommate is not due until next week, seeing as school doesn't start until 21st. Jerry said that if I ever need anything that he will be there to help. We have only gotten to the groping stage and not past that. To be honest I am not ready for that step not yet at least. The Cullen's don't cross my mind nearly as much as they used to, but every once in awhile they will be there in the front of my thoughts.

Well, I have to get going to my job, its Friday and of the most busy days.

_-Bella _


	14. Meeting Mimi

**Disclaimer: **Even though, from time to time I may use the words from the books, I **do not** and will never own any of the twilight series or its characters no matter how badly I want to.

**A/n: **Sorry about the long wait. My beta is in Germany for awhile so I am looking for a new beta till she gets back, if anyone is interested.

Enjoy the new chapter.

* * *

**You had a bad day  
You're taking one down**

**"You sing a sad song just to turn it around!" **I shouted at the top of my lungs. I loved singing this song whenever I was horrible at work. Today was just the worst. My roommate was due today and for some unknown reason I had been nervous all day. My nervousness' caused me to drop someone's side of ranch on the waitress shoes. Also, caused me to accidentally drop the whole bucket of clam chowder special on the floor, none of those things got me sent home, it was when I was slipping on the clam chowder while trying to clean it up, so I was slipping and trying to balance myself so I sort of maybe accidentally pulled off the poor chefs toupee. So after that stunt he shunned me from the kitchen till next shift which is in a week.

**You say you don't know  
You tell me don't lie  
You work at a smile and you go for a ride  
You had a bad day  
The camera don't lie  
You're coming back down and you really don't mind  
You had a bad day**

So I was now in my room singing, Daniel Powter's Bad Day song, at the top of my lungs. And I was so engrossed in the song that I failed to notice my roommate walk in. It was when I turned around, in the middle of my dusting slash punch, that I finally saw her.

*_Gasp_*

"I am so sorry, I didn't see you there." I was already in the middle of turning down the music when she smiled sweetly at me.

"That's okay, I actually like this song. You must be Bella." She said musically at me. I haven't heard the sound of bells since I last heard Alice. Granted her voice wasn't nearly as dazzling as the Cullen's.

"Yes, I am Bella, your roommate for the year. You must be Mimi." I was so excited to finally meet the person I would share a room with. "So, I hope you don't mind but I gave you the bed by the window. I mean I just figured with my late night studying, it would enable you to get a proper nights sleep." I left out the part that sleeping by the window would make the dreams start up again.

"No, the window bed is perfect will give me some fresh air. So what is your major? Mine is Music Theatre."

Her major definitely didn't fit her appearance. Mimi had black hair with Purple and Pink Highlights. She also wore black combat boots, black pants with a black with purple skull design on it. She wore little make up except for her bright red lipstick that seemed to be an out of the place color on her.

"I am undecided for now. In junior year of high school, I wanted to major in English. But with some stuff that's happened in my life, I decided maybe I should look into Psychology as my major. I want to help people who are grieving."

Wow, I had never told anyone that not even Jake, who I told everything to. It's something that had recently been in my head. It makes sense I have suffered a great loss, I know the feeling of thinking you will never survive, that nothing can get worse. Plus, let's face it I totally rock at keeping a secret too.

"I hope you figure it out. I think we are going to be great friends Bella, but only as long as you don't snore loud." He-He, *snort*.

And that is what we became. We were great friends. We hung out all the time and we shared ex boyfriend's stories and current boyfriends stories. Turns out she's dating a drummer in this garage band, I've heard them a couple times, they are good not next up and coming super star but good for the local bars.

***2 weeks later***

We were walking back to the dorms, after being at the schools mall listening to Mimi's boyfriends band and being in the mosh pitt it formed, when I saw a glimpse of pale skin and dark spiky hair dancing through the doors of my dorm hall.

I turned and grabbed Mimi's arm, effectively stopping us in mid-stride, "Mimi, did you just see someone short with spiky hair, go into our dorm hall right now?" _Please tell me I am not imaging things._

She looked at me like I needed a psych evaluation pronto, while she said hesitantly, "No, I am sorry, I didn't." With that I sighed and we kept moving on.


	15. Almost Lover

**Disclaimer: **Even though, from time to time I may use the words from the books, I **do not** and will never own any of the twilight series or its characters no matter how badly I want to.

**A/N:** Sorry for the wait, I just got dumped by a player so I have been dealing with that. No excuse I know I am sorry but I promise I have not abandoned this story.

* * *

**Your fingertips across my skin**

Edward is with me I feel him, yet can only see his outline.

**The palm trees swaying in the wind**

**Images**

I was in the woods again. I haven't been here in awhile.

**You sang me Spanish lullabies**

"Bella, we are leaving."

**The sweetest sadness in your eyes**

**Clever trick**

"When you say we…" I was unsure if I wanted the answer I knew was coming.

"I mean my family and myself."

**I never want to see you unhappy  
I thought you'd want the same for me**

"I'm no good for you, Bella." If only I knew he was trying to spare my feelings.

"You can have my soul. I don't want it without you – it's yours already." Why couldn't he see I am nothing without him, I am just half a person doomed to roam this earth till I die.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." Those were the words that shredded my heart.

**Goodbye, my almost lover**

"You…don't…want me?" I just had to ask

**Goodbye, my hopeless dream**

"No" That one single worded ripped apart my world and what I thought was true.

**I'm trying not to think about you**

**Can't you just let me be?**

If he would have just given me a chance, I could have changed for him. I would have been anyone he asked me to be. I am nothing without him

.  
**So long, my luckless romance**

**My back is turned on you**

**Should've known you'd bring me heartache  
Almost lovers always do**

"You're not good enough for me, Bella." Finally he told me the truth. I knew it was too good to be true. It never made sense for him to want me.

**We walked along a crowded street**

**You took my hand and danced with me  
Images**

_Whatever happened to forever Edward? Do you not remember Prom? Of course you do, you remember everything. Stupid Vampire brain! Was that all just a lie to pass your time?_

**And when you left you kissed my lips**

**You told me you would never let forget these images, no**

"We vampires are easily distracted."

**I never want to see you unhappy  
I thought you'd want the same for me**

"You're not good for me, Bella."

**Goodbye, my almost lover  
Goodbye, my hopeless dream  
I'm trying not to think about you**

**Can't you just let me be?**

"If... that's what you want." _Please tell me it isn't what you want Edward!_

**So long, my luckless romance**

**My back is turned on you**

**Should've known you'd bring me heartache  
Almost lovers always do**

"I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me." _Please don't do this Edward._

**I cannot go to the ocean  
I cannot drive the streets at night  
I cannot wake up in the morning**

**Without you on my mind**

"I wont come back… it'll be as if I'd never existed." _You can't erase my memories, nor this ache in my chest where my heart used to be._

**So you're gone and I'm haunted  
And I bet you are just fine  
Did I make it that easy  
To walk right in and out of my life?**

"Goodbye, Bella." With those final words he was gone. _Did you ever love me Edward?  
_  
_Edward, you can't just leave me. You are everything to me. Wait, please come back. I'll do anything. Please._


	16. Time to Move on

**Disclaimer: **Even though, from time to time I may use the words from the books, I **do not** and will never own any of the twilight series or its characters no matter how badly I want to.

_**A/N:**_ Working on chapter 17 :D

* * *

I was woken up to the shaking of my shoulders.

"Bella, please wake up!" I could hear the desperation in Mimi's voice.

"I'm awake, what wrong Mimi?" What could have made Mimi so agitated?

"Damn you, Bella!" She slapped me gently on my arm, but hard enough to get her point across that she was frustrated with me. "You nearly gave me a heart attack."

This made me sit straight up. What did I do to cause her distress? "What is it Mimi?"

"Bella, you were screaming bloody murder, like someone was torturing you. I thought Freddie came and visited you in your dream by the way you were yelling and thrashing around."

With this she began to imitate what she saw me doing. With that, everything about my nightmare came back to me.

"Oh no! Not this crap again. I am happy. Jerry and I are happy. I've moved on." I didn't know who I was trying to convince more, her or me. And by the looks I was getting from her I would have to say she thought the same thing.

"Did I yell anything out?" _Please say I didn't._

"Bella, the truth?" I nodded my head and held my breath.

"Yes you did. You yelled and I quote." With this she made quotation marks. "Freddie don't come and get me please, go get those little creepy kids that are singing the song instead."

With this I gave a little chuckle, I loved Mimi for trying to cheer me up when I was sad and worried, but I knew she was just trying to prepare me for what she was going to say. She knew about Edward to an extent, but she did know how he'd cut out my heart and took it to go.

She patted my leg and sat up next to me on the bed

"Bella, you yelled for him. You said please Edward don't go." With this she sighed like something heavy was weighing on her chest.

"Bella, I know how it is to think your world wont go on and to some extent it wont be the same ever again. He touched something in you and when he left the way he did, it changed something in you. Something that will never be healed nor corrected, you just have to move on the best you can with what you have left. You will always love him that will never change, you just need to learn to put that love in the past and learn from that love. If you don't, it will prevent you from moving on the best you can do with what is left with your heart. You can stay frozen in those woods and never move out of them, or you can chalk it up to a painful lessen and learn from it. In the end the choice in nobody else's, NOT even his, but your own choice."

With that she yawned, gave me a quick hug and jumped off the bed and made her way to her own bed.

"Night, Bella." She knew me to well. She knew I needed to think and mull over things. These were the reason I loved being her roommate.

"Night Mimi." It was time I truly moved on. I was only half invested with Jerry. It was time that changed.

With that I picked up the phone and called the person who I needed to talk to.

He answered on the 3rd ring.

"Sorry, I woke you. Jerry we need to talk. Can you come over tomorrow morning?" We set up a time and with that I hung up the phone. I was in a better mood and I was determined to move on. Tomorrow is truly my new beginning.


	17. September 13

**Disclaimer: **Even though, from time to time I may use the words from the books, I **do not** and will never own any of the twilight series or its characters no matter how badly I want to.

**A/N: Sorry for taking so long. I had to reformat computer so I lost chapter 17 and I was having a hard time rewriting it again, needless to say I never did write it as it was the 1st time. I also have been so busy with school, and I lost a family member so I was dealing with that too. No excuse I know. I can't promise to update regularly like I thought I would be able to, but I can promise that I won't abandon this story and I will finish it up. Thank you for everyone who is still reading my story and who is sticking with me, it means alot to me. This is just a journal entry to catch you up on what is happening with our girl Bella, as you can see she is becoming a little wilder. _I hope you Enjoy this chapter!_**

* * *

**September 13****th**** 2006**

Dear Journal,

Today is my birthday. The mark of another year older, hopefully this birthday is better than the disaster of last years. I am 19, two years older than him. Jerry and I are happy; we had our talk 2 weeks ago. I told him how I have been holding back with him and not allowing myself to fully invest in our relationship. He is the most understanding man, he understands and says in time I will and he will wait how ever long it takes. I told him I am ready to go past 2nd base. I truly am. I want this, I want to move on and dirty my soul…that's what he was so worried about. I still think of them from time to time. I haven't caught any "glimpses" of them since that one time I thought I saw them. Classes are great; I must say that my Human Sexuality class has caused me to not blush as much. My bike is the envy of all the boys; I don't get to really ride it, except when I go to work on the weekends. Sinthea and Jake finally set a date, November 25th. The weekend after Thanksgiving, their theory is that most of the family will be in town anyways for Thanksgiving so that a way they don't have to come out again later on. In truth, Sinthea was just thinking of a way so I don't have to spend the money twice and that way she knows I am off of school. I must say she is great for Jake. I talk to her almost everyday. She found a dress shop in Hanover that way I can get a great fitting bridesmaids dress. Jerry is going with me to the wedding. No one knows this, besides me & the pack, outside of the bride and groom, but Sinthea is pregnant. Twins! I was asked to be the Godmother, of course I said yes. Leah has finally gotten Riley to say yes to dating her, poor guy was bugged everyday by Leah, lol. Charlie is dating Sue. Sue moved in to my old house and Seth is staying in my old room. Life in Forks is good for my friends and family. Victoria's scent hasn't been smelt since the day I left, who knows where she is. Hopefully she is far away from me and my family. I try not to dwell on the past anymore. I still cut from time to time but it's not as often as it used to be, not since I have discovered weed. I am self medicating myself with the little plant almost daily now, but thankfully it doesn't interfere with my schooling and grades. I think that's all for the update for now. We will see how my birthday turns out; it's only 7:30am, so it's still too early to tell.

-_Bella_


	18. A new experiance

**A/N:** Sorry for my epic fail of updating. Ive been over seas doing my studies and have not wanted to write at all. This chapter was hard for me to write, but please stick with me there will be a HEA.

* * *

I hurry up and get dressed, wearing a jean skirt with leggings underneath with black knee high boots and a pink top that has a black peace sign design on it. I grab my wallet and cellphone and head out to meet Jerry at the student union. As I am waiting for the elevator, I see a flash of bronze hair, how strange.

I quickly make my way to the student union, when I see Jerry and he is holding a bouquet of flowers.

"Hey, you look beautiful; I will be the envy of the town. Here these are for you." He kisses my lips and then whispers "Happy Birthday baby."

"Thank you, they are so pretty. Are these Stargazed Lilies?" He nods. He is so sweet.

"Where are you taking me?" I ask hoping that it is somewhere that my outfit will fit in at.

"I was thinking of taking you to the movies and then to my place for dinner, is that okay with you?" I nod my head because that sounds wonderful.

We make our way into the student union and go left to the theatre, where Jerry purchases our tickets.

The movie is a romantic comedy, which Jerry and I make-out the whole time. After the movie, Jerry and I walk to his on campus apartment.

"Babe, why don't you get comfortable while I order us take out." I know this is the night that Jerry and I will take the next step in our relationship.

After 45 minutes, the Chinese takeout has arrived and we are chowing down on it. Afterwards, I use the restroom to freshen myself up. I see my reflection in the mirror, "Bella, you can do this, He didn't want you but Jerry does. He deserves this." I quietly give myself a peptalk.

I quietly make my way out to the living room where Jerry is. As I get near the couch I stop and slowly lift my foot up and unzip my boot one by one, taking them off, trying to make it as seductive as I could. After they are off, I walk to the couch and straddle Jerry's lap and start slowly kissing him. After a while, the kissing as turned deep and heavy, Jerry is groping my breast through the shirt. I take his hand and bring it to the place I want it most, between my legs. Jerry stops kissing and looks at me, trying to see any doubts. I know he sees none because then he starts to rub my pussy through the leggings, as he starts kissing me again.

I don't know when it happened, but the next thing I know I am laying on the couch with Jerry laying over me, while taking off my leggings and panties.

"Baby, you are so beautiful. " Jerry gasps, while he lifts my shirt up a pulls my bra cups down and latches onto my right breast with his mouth.

"AWW!" Damn that feels good, how have I gone without this. I used to think just us groping was good, but this is so much better.

While he sucks and nibbles on my right nipple he uses his other hand to spread my pussy lips and rub my clit.

"Oh, Jerry!" I find myself moaning and screaming at the same time. Jerry then moves his mouth to my neglected breast, while inserting a finger in my pussy.

"Baby, you are so tight." Jerry says around my nipple. He slowly increases the speed on his finger and adds another one into my pussy. I feel it stretch, but in a pleasant way.

Jerry starts kissing his way down my stomach, and then lifts up my skirt and kisses my thighs, "Bella, I need to taste you baby, you are so wet for me." After he whispers those words, I feel his tongue on my clit, while his fingers pump faster into me.

His tongue on my pussy does nothing for me, but I moan like it's the greatest thing. His fingers however, are bringing me close to this intense feeling in my stomach.

"Don't stop." I beg. I feel the feeling getting closer and I reach down and unzip his pants so I can give him some pleasure too. I take out his dick and wonder if he isn't all the way hard, yet start stroking him hoping to get him harder, because it has to get bigger right?

"Bella, faster baby, that feels good and I am so close, please tell me you are close." He then goes back to licking my clit and pushing into my pussy faster with his fingers, as I move my hand at the same speed on his dick.

The next thing I know is I see stars and my whole body tenses up and I stop breathing on a gasp.

"That's it baby, damn, you are so beautiful when you cum." When my body starts relaxing and I can breathe again, I see Jerry remove his fingers from my pussy, and suck his glistening fingers. "Mmmmm, you taste fantastic baby." I look down and see that I had stopped playing with his cock when I came.

I slowly sit up on my knees and push him to lie on the couch. I then lick the tip of his cock and the pre-cum that is there tastes good. I know I make a sound of appreciation. I then take his cock all the way in my mouth, since he never got bigger; he fits all the way in my mouth. I start moving my head up and down on his cock and every other time I make sure I run my tongue over the slit of his cock, while rubbing his balls.

I know Jerry is enjoying it because he is grasping the couch cushion and telling me not to stop. I then feel his cock swell and then taste the nastiest stuff ever. I swallow quickly and lick his dick clean, then run to the bathroom to throw up and rinse my mouth out. When I am done with that, I come out.

"Babe, you okay? You didn't have to swallow."

"I know, I wanted to, your pre-cum tasted so good, but not you cum, next time pull out to cum okay?" He nods his head and kisses me.

The rest of the night we just cuddle and don't go further in our physical relationship. For the 1st time in my life I feel content.


	19. An encounter

**A/N:** I have 4 chapters done already. I have no beta.

* * *

It's been a week since my birthday and Jerry and I have not went further in our relationship than the oral stage. On other news, I keep seeing flashes of Bronze hair and Black spiky hair around campus, but whenever I look no one is there, which is strange. I keep having this feeling like I am consistently being watched and followed. Today I am heading to my human sexuality class and I am looking down at my phone, when I bump into what feels to be a cold, solid brick wall and before I can fall I feel hands grab on to my arms to keep me from falling, which shoots electric shocks through me.

_I know this feeling. I have not felt it since…HIM!_

I look up slowly and I see the eyes of the last person I ever though I will see again.

"Bella" his stupid musical voice says.

I try to move out of his grasp, but he won't let go.

"Let go of my Edward" I say with as much venom in my voice as I can come up with. I don't need him to know he still affects me.

Slowly he lets me go and I see hurt flash across his face before it's gone.

**No, I can't take one more step towards you  
'Cause all that's waiting is regret  
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore  
****You lost the love I loved the most**_**  
**_

I step back away from him. I can't believe my eyes. It's him!

"What are you doing here?" I gasp out.

"Bella, I couldn't take being away from you. Alice saw you making the decision of coming to the school we picked out. So I came back." He says this with something that looks like pleading in his eyes.

**I learned to live half alive**

**And now you want me one more time**

"I've moved on, it's too late" I need him to understand I can't risk getting my hopes up just to experience the pain all over.

**[Chorus:]****  
And who do you think you are?  
Runnin' 'round leaving scars  
Collecting your jar of hearts  
And tearing love apart  
You're gonna catch a cold  
From the ice inside your soul  
So don't come back for me  
Who do you think you are?**

"Love, please let me explain. I know it's not too late"

"Don't call me that! You lost that right when you stabbed me in my heart, then ripped it out and shredded it!" I'm pissed, how dare he think I will just fall down on my knees just because he got bored and came back just to pass the time by playing games with me again.

**I hear you're asking all around**  
**If I am anywhere to be found**  
**But I have grown too strong**  
**To ever fall back in your arms**

"Sorry, you have no idea how hard it was to tell you those lies. Please I am begging you to just hear me out."

**And I've learned to live half alive  
And now you want me one more time**

"Funny, I remember begging you not to leave me. How did that work out for me?" I scoff. I go to move around him but he places a hand on my arm to stop me.

"Please" he whispers, and I stare up into his eyes trying to read the silent message that is there._**[Chorus:]**__**  
**_**And who do you think you are?****  
Runnin' 'round leaving scars  
Collecting your jar of hearts  
And tearing love apart  
You're gonna catch a cold  
From the ice inside your soul  
So don't come back for me  
Who do you think you are?**

I shrug out of his hold. "It's too late. You gave up your chance. I won't let you play me again." I then continue on my way to class and try to hold on to my sanity over what happened and it takes everything in me not to look back.

**It took so long just to feel alright**  
**Remember how to put back the light in my eyes**  
**I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed**  
**'Cause you broke all your promises**  
**And now you're back**  
**You don't get to get me back**


End file.
